The Fear of Failure

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6-21-16

I found this rejection letter going through an old file cabinet at the last minute before our move last week.  If I had given up then, for good, I would have abandoned a dream.

This is my first rejection letter from almost six years ago, when I first made a real go at being a writer.  My son was only a year old and he inspired me, even then, to go for my dream of being a writer.  I remember putting him for a nap–mostly in my arms–and sitting at my computer to write the query letter I sent.  His hair was very blonde then and I actually remember thinking that I would go for my own dream so that I could show the sweet and resting, blonde-haired boy how to go for his own someday.

This letter came and others followed, and I put the dream aside to mother and teach, or so I told myself.  It was really because I was afraid to fail. As Coelho writes in “The Alchemist,”   “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”  And that was certainly the case for me. I was discouraged; I was afraid.  And, I had no real intention of ever writing again for anyone but myself. But then, my son grew up and my daughter was born and I found myself again as I was long ago.  And I owed it to myself and to them to try again. So, I did.Continue Reading

From this House

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From this house, I’ve learned that sometimes, beauty is underneath the surface.

Exactly four years ago today, we bought our current home (the one we’re selling two weeks from today).  We left the closing and came right back to the house to begin to uncover windows my husband had discovered on the outside of the home. They were under a layer of plaster and couldn’t be seen at all inside.  My husband climbed up on a ladder and with a small hammer, started to pound gently.  Then, he used other tools and slowly, I saw a sliver of the pair of stained glass windows I have come to love.  I remember standing there with our son, not even yet three.  My husband was so happy to show me the beauty he knew was there all along.  In the four years that have passed, he has revealed her true glory to me; day by day, month by month, year by year, he has made this the home we all adore, bringing her back to the true beauty she always was, hidden for so long.Continue Reading

Thank You, Dear Teacher

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Thank you, dear teacher.

After months of cold days, suddenly, it’s warm out and when I picked up my son from school yesterday, his blonde temples glistened under the sweat that was forming on his brow.  It’s always startling to me, really—those temples that are still so very white blonde, only revealed from a short summer cut—since the rest of his head is darkening now that he’s getting older.  Where did all that blonde hair go?

You were at the door like you always are, morning and afternoon, with the line of students behind you, waiting for parents to fetch them.  It’s always a picture I look forward to seeing—the happy kids, children I’ve come to know,  at the end of the day—and my son often stops to hug you before running to hug me.  That’s the way it is now, sometimes.  You’re the first to get the hug before he skips down the walk to throw his ever-growing arms around my waist.   How did his arms get so long?

A year has ended; hair has gotten darker; arms have gotten longer, as they’ve reached for the sky.  We parents have watched it all happen right before our very eyes, marveling at how fast time passes.  As a chapter closes for them and for you, I want to thank you on behalf of all parents.Continue Reading

Stand With Me

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Will you stand with me, right where you are?  Will you stand and see the blessings in the everyday?  Here, take my hand?

All too often, we look ahead or behind at life–thinking of what could be or at what was.  But, we need only to open our eyes to the blessings we have now.  Right now.  Right this second.  If we spend too much time looking ahead or behind, we will miss the blessings right where we stand.

A few days ago, I awoke to a message from a friend from my early teaching career 15 years ago.  We haven’t seen one another in 11 years and while we have talked here and there, our lives together are still in the school I once loved in the beach town I started my marriage and my career. Continue Reading